Day 5

about a boy

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I am in a relationship with a boy who wakes up at 5 am. He studies until he has to go to class. He smokes pot with his fellow engineering pals. Attends engineering council meetings. Dreams about making rockets. .. his actual dreams tend to involve guns, explosions, damsels in distress (curiously useless women), Die Hard meets Star Wars meets Mortal Kombat. He did have a Pablo Escobar phase.

I am in a relationship with someone who talks about feeling unreal; as if the world around him is an illusion that is just slipping by. He worries about the future, becoming successful and achieving his dreams. He’s scared that things might not work out (he shouldn’t, but he doesn’t know it yet). He worries about not being good enough to deserve the things he wants; so ┬áhe makes himself small where it matters. I wish he wouldn’t do that.

I am in a relationship with someone who anchors me. Someone who is consistent. He is strong in the way that discipline makes a person strong. I want to see him grow. In this day and age I don’t believe boys become men until passed 35. I have 12 years to go, until I have seen him grown (don’t tell him that).

I am in a relationship with my first boyfriend. I learn that I am compassionate and irritable. That I am a source of encouragement and support. That I can be petulant. I learned that I can depend on someone to care for my emotional well being. I learned that I’m afraid of not being a priority. I learned that I’m afraid of being outside of my sphere of control. I learned that I can be wrapped up in a world that has only 1 other person in it. Sometimes I forget to see myself.

There’s this thing he does with his mouth, that makes me feel so tender that I wonder if it’s love in disguise.

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